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The Young Reporter
Friday, 09 October 2009
"I know I am meant to be a female": Fion's road from HE to SHE

Written by THOMAS YAU

Wearing a slim-cut shirt, chit-chatting with her students with a soft and girly voice, tidying up her long hair and putting makeup on through a pocket mirror, Fion is no different with any other ladies in town, except for one thing – physically she is a male.

* "It is just like we all have a pair of arms, when you got an extra one on your back, you will chop it down. The only difference is, ours are not that visible, and then people think we are born well fit, any attemptto change is wrong and sick." – Fion. Photo: Sybil Kot

Fion discovered there was a wrong match between her brain-sex and her body gender at childhood. Her friend asked who she wanted to be when they were playing in a playhouse.

"Yeung Po-ling [1987 Miss Hong Kong winner]," she answered without hesitation.

That day marked the beginning of her search for real identity.

When she was in primary six, she spotted the phrase "transsexual surgery" on her dad's medical book. She knew she found the destination of her journey since then.

"It is not that I am determined to be a female, I know I am meant to be a female," Fion said.

But her body does not let her achieve the quest easily, she then started to break further apart from her mind.

Her puberty started when she reached seven. Since then, her testis began to secrete male hormones which stimulated the growth of hair, and acne began to appear on her face. "I spent several hours in front of the mirror, clapping beard out of my face one by one. I cried when it's bleeding. But I couldn't tolerate seeing them on my face," Fion said.

Besides physical approach, she once struggled to twist her mindset into a male one. But she failed.

She once dated a girl in university. "I felt very jealous when I saw her body. That feeling suppressed all my emotions and logical thinking. I just wanted to exchange my body with her." From that moment, Fion realized that she could never be a man.

As soon as she got a job as a teaching assistant and became financially capable, she started taking medicines that counterbalance the effects of her male hormones.

But that was just one of the many challenges she has to face in her journey. After she had beaten her endocrine system, she is now facing another obstacle - the recognition from the society.

"I'm confident of my wisdom, talent and knowledge that I don't need to get recognition by others. But it's different for appearance," she said. "It's others who determine whether you are female or not by your physical characteristics."

She came to teach in the school as a "sir" three years ago, and then gradually became "madam". Her students found it weird; some just stayed away from her. One day a student came to ask whether she wanted to be a female. Her "yes" answer spread to the whole school on that day. To many's surprise, students accepted her, even those who used to keep a distance from her.

"People can understand as long as you make it clear to them. On the whole, I get along very well with my students and my colleagues." Fion said.

She added, "We are not activists; we don't want to change or challenge any social value. We just want the society to accept our true gender."

Though the school sometimes received complaints from parents about her gender clash when she was teaching weekend classes, she said she got words of praise by the principal about her good performance at work.

In her opinion, she is only born with a wrong body just like those who are born with a third arm. She explains, "The only thing is my difference cannot be seen. And then people think I'm born well fit, any attempt to change is wrong and freak."

Throughout all these years of struggling, her family remains a concern for her.

When her family saw her dressed as a female, they felt upset. Fion's parents don't want her child to "suffer from being a transsexual". She said her parents have always been grumbling about "the ruined life" of her brother and the unsuccessful marriage of her sister already.

Fion knows her families will be very disappointed if she performs the surgery. "If I'm not able to repay my family, then I hope I can do something for the families of transsexuals in Hong Kong. "

She has quitted the job to prepare for the surgery which will take place at the end of this year. It will definitely mark the beginning of another journey teemed with uncertainties.

Edited by Miley Li